Throwing up; not the best way to meet people at a singles party
Well, the Valentine's Day party was a major success; that is, if the definition of "major success" has changed to "the host will find himself standing amidst a vomitorium by the end of the night."
The night started innocently enough. People started pouring in around 9:30 or so and I started pouring their drinks. I had virtually every type of beverage on hand so that no one would go home unsatisfied. TheNeighbor showed up shortly thereafter with a couple of her friends. It seems that two of them had spent the last hour or so at her place polishing off a bottle of wine. Actually, it was fairly obvious that they had been doing just that, because their voices were a good 20 decibels louder than everyone else and making quite a scene with each other by the kitchen. They also managed to power through their first round of drinks with unbridled gusto; their recklessness caught enough of my attention to know that I was going to have to do a little babysitting as the night progressed and I began to water down their drinks appropriately.
Also present at the party was an old friend of mine from back home who I've known for over 20 years. We'd hooked up a couple times in high school as well as college, but never got involved in anything serious. After college, she dated a guy (for five years) and they were engaged to be married. Six weeks before the wedding, he got cold feet and bailed out; the wedding was supposed to take place in January. For the math wizzes out there, here's a simple equation to summarize the previous sentences: OldHookup + alcohol + emotional turmoil + resurfaced lust for me = Drama.
So, the stage has now been set for these two girls to make the party more interesting. Add to the mix, that I'm trying not to spend too much time near either one because there are a couple other girls there that I have a genuine interest in; not to mention that I'm trying to play host and bartender to 25 other people. Like a pair of prize fighters, each one tried to hit me with as many jabs as possible as the night went on and their inhibitions went down. Some highlights that were whispered in my ears:
OldHookup: "You know, [the fiancé] was always jealous of you; that's why you and I never got to hang out alone while we were together. Now that he's out of the picture, we should really start spending a lot more time together; we can start tonight." In an effort to drive the point home, she proceeded to grab a firm hold of my ass.
TheNeighbor: "is anybody staying in your bed tonight, because I would really like to reserve a place for myself." "It would be such a shame for the two of us to spend the night alone on Valentine's Day." The real knockout blow came, however, when she simply walked up and handed me the keys to her place.
At one point, I found myself in the kitchen with the two of them. I was poised over the sink trying to wash out a glass, when TheNeighbor came up from behind me and put her arms around me. OldHookup was standing to my right, saw what was going on and started throwing out biting comments in our general direction. Unlike the two of them, I was sober enough to have the sense to cut things off before they could escalate any farther. I separated the two girls and set them each up with another thoroughly watered down beverage.
By 12:30, the party had just surpassed its peak and things began to slow ever so slightly. TheNeighbor, now completely out of her mind, stumbled her way across the room and basically threw herself into my arms. She could barely hold herself up and was about to pass out, so I moved her into the living room and had her lie down on a large chair. Unbeknownst to me, while I was doing this, OldHookup had just started to throw up on/in various places around my place; the couch, the stairs, and her current resting place, the planter outside my front door. I had just noticed that she was missing when I was informed of this new phenomenon. I ran to get some towels and when I returned, I happened to glance over in TheNeighbor's direction to notice some spittle on her dress. My mind instantly went code red and I recruited a couple guys to help me get her to the bathroom as fast as possible in hopes of beating out the impending doom that was set to unleash itself from her innards.
Time was on our side and we had her situated in the bathroom before she started to refund her drinks. Unfortunately, the physics of the recoil action of the act of throwing up went unaccounted for, because after the first wave of what could best be described as "raspberry vinaigrette" had been purged, my friend and I looked around the bathroom and noticed while everything was now coated in a lovely dark red mess, the toilet remained totally untouched. Big props go out to a couple of my friends who told me to get them a couple towels and they would take care of the mess so that I could tend to the rest of the party.
Once OldHookup stabilized, a couple of her friends drove her home. As for TheNeighbor, since I still had her house keys, a couple of us gathered her up and took her back over to her place. We set her down on the couch and, while trying to get her into a comfortable position, she rolled herself over towards the back of the couch and threw up another round into the crease between the cushions. By the time we left, we had her propped up against one corner of the couch, clutching a trashcan in her arms, totally passed out. I went back to check up on her a couple hours later and she seemed fine; her car was also gone in the morning, so it appears she made it through the night.
As for the rest of my guests, they all remained civilized for the rest of the night. There were a couple numbers exchanged, so the party was successful in that regard as well. I did end up going to bed by myself, but after all I had been through, that was more than fine with me.
