The blind leading the blind date
Tuesday night, I got set up on a blind date, which would later become a tale all its own. A little background first: On Saturday night, #1Wingman and I got a call from an ex-girlfriend (Blast from the Past) from many years ago that he had run into a week earlier at a bar and who he had talked to a couple times since. She told him, "My friend and I are drunk at a bar and looking to hook up. Why don't you come down and meet us and bring an attractive, single friend with you." Unfortunately, I'd made plans less than a half an hour before to hang out with Redial (see previous stories), so I couldn't meet up with them. Fortunately, Blast from the Past's friend (Mood Killer) was in town for a couple extra days, so we decided to all go out on Tuesday night.
#1Wingman and I picked up the girls around 7:30 and went out for dinner. During the course of dinner, we split a bottle of wine amongst the four of us to help ease the situation a bit. Conversation at dinner was ok, except that the restaurant was a bit on the loud side, so it was difficult to hear everything. Mood Killer seemed like a pretty nice girl. She was fairly attractive and had a nice body.
When we finished dinner, the plan was to head back to my place to watch a movie and have some wine. We decided to watch Ocean's Eleven. At my place, there are two couches set up in the TV room, one facing the set and the other perpendicular. #1Wingman and Blast from the Past sat down on the couch facing the TV and, for some reason, Mood Killer sat, sprawled out on the other couch. I took that to mean that she wasn't really interested in anything happening that night, so I began to write her off at that point. I would have been a lot better off if I had just written her off completely.
I opened up a bottle of wine that I'd picked up earlier and poured four glasses to get everyone started. I don't think that George Clooney's character had finished picking all his accomplices before the first bottle was empty, so I opened up another one to keep everyone happy. Suddenly, Mood Killer was leaning over the edge of her couch trying to talk to me. My impression shifted and I took this to be a bit of a welcoming sign, so I began to lean towards her and talk to her, all the while throwing her a little vibe. This continued for the next half-hour or so.
At some point, I got up to go to the bathroom; while I was up, evidently everybody else had a conference as to what was going on that night. I know this, because as soon as I got back, #1Wingman went into the kitchen to get some "ice cream" (this was a codeword that we had agreed upon before the date), and having trouble finding it, I left to help him "find it." As soon as I got there, he informed me that Mood Killer was into me but wasn't willing to make the first move. I explained her poor seating choice and we decided to remedy the situation as soon as possible. We returned to the couches and it wasn't long before Mood Killer got up to go to the bathroom. As soon as she disappeared, #1Wingman and Blast from the Past moved over to the couch she had been sitting on and left me alone on the other couch.
When she returned, Mood Killer sat down next to me and I started putting the moves on her. Before long, we were kissing and doing a little fooling around. By now, we were done with the two bottles of wine, plus the one from dinner, so everyone was feeling pretty good (although, I think Blast from the Past only had one or two glasses, so the rest of us were definitely feeling a lot better). I guess Mood Killer hadn't had enough, because she asked me to open another bottle of wine. Seeing where the night was going and always being eager to please, I obliged.
Not long after, the movie was over and #1Wingman called me aside again for another conference. It seemed that Mood Killer wanted to stick around, but she wasn't willing to do so without Blast from the Past being there as well. No problem, I told him, I will disappear for a few seconds and put a couple condoms under the couch cushions in my office and you can just take Blast from the Past in there.
Sure enough, fifteen minutes later, I found myself alone with Mood Killer on the couch. This is where the fun really started. We were kissing and making out and all of a sudden she stops. Next thing I know, she starts telling me that, as far as everyone else knows, this night "never happened" and I can't let anyone know that we hooked up. She continued on to also let me know that tonight was a one time thing and that I couldn't call her afterwards. The only way we would ever see each other again would be if she called me (I was beginning to think that this was a good thing). I was also informed that she was the kind of person who people fell head over heels for and that I would really want something beyond what was going to happen that night. I assured her that I would have no problem if nothing ever happened beyond that night (probably the most sincere thing I said all night, as a matter of fact). She even went so far as to say that if we ever ran into each other again that we would have to act as though we'd never met. But, if she did decide to call me, then we could get together every so often for a purely physical relationship. I informed her of the concept of a "booty call." This all sounded well and good until she told me that everything would be on her terms and that I wouldn't be allowed to sleep with anyone else as long as the arrangement was in place. She assured me it would be worth my while; I told her to ask me again at the end of the night.
With those pleasantries out of the way, we were back to making out; or so I thought. She requested that I put on some background music, so I chose a playlist of songs that could be classified as "romantic." After two or three songs, she wanted to know if I happened to have the song, "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy. I told her that I did and she begged me to queue it up. I guess she really must have liked the song because, as soon as it was over, she had to hear it again. And again. And…I just put the damn thing on repeat.
The next hurdle on the obstacle course was clothing. She kept complaining that her pants were bothering her, so I offered to get her a set of pajama bottoms or some shorts. She said that some boxer shorts would be great, so I grabbed a pair from my dresser and handed them over to her. Instead of thanking me, she asks, "Are these clean?" No, I tried to find the ones from my hamper that were encrusted with as many bodily fluids as possible. "Of course they're clean; I just pulled them out of my dresser." Perhaps I wasn't convincing enough, because the next thing I know, she is smelling them to verify my claims. We return to the couch because she doesn’t want to go into my room.
Once again, we are making out when she stops and starts telling me that she wants me to suck on her neck, but not actually suck, just make it feel as though I am doing so by opening and closing my lips around her neck. I give it my best shot. Obviously it wasn't what she had envisioned, because she immediately stopped me again to give me more detailed instructions. I tried again, only to found out that my artificial sucking was still out of spec. Thoroughly annoyed, I just go back to kissing and feeling her up.
Things start to progress nicely and I start to notice that the couch now has more clothes on than we do. I guess this meant things were going too well, because she stopped yet again and suddenly turned into a Planned Parenthood pamphlet. "If we have vaginal intercourse tonight, I expect that you will wear a condom. I also need you to know that I am not on any birth control, such as the pill, right now. I need you to tell me that this is ok with you." I swear, I can't even make this stuff up. I assured her that I would have no problems with those arrangements. She continued to go through a very thorough STD and previous partner checklist that was nothing short of clinical. Having adequately answered all of her questions, it was back to making out.
Baggage alert: She starts asking me to make her feel good, make her feel wanted and sexy because she hasn't felt those things in a long time.
By now, I'm down to my boxers and things are looking good. I try again to convince her to leave the couch so that we can go somewhere with a little more room (i.e. my bed). Well she wouldn't hear of that. Instead, she poses the question, "how big is your penis?" I can't really describe the strange flurry of thoughts that passed through my head as the words left her mouth, but I think the general feeling was one of "what the fuck?" Instead of saying what I was thinking, I countered with, "well, why don't you just wait and find out?"
Totally turned off at this point, I got up to go to the bathroom. While I was gone, #1Wingman and Blast from the Past came out from my office. During the ensuing conference amongst the other three, it was decided that #1Wingman and Blast from the Past were going to take off and Mood Killer would stick around. We said our goodbyes and I found myself back on the couch. We were sitting there talking for a minute or two, when all of a sudden she pulls back my boxers and whips out my dick. Next thing I know, she's doing all that she can to get me hard. More surprising than what she was doing was that it was actually working (I was on the negative side of the aroused scale when she started). As she was doing it, I asked her if it was going to work for her. She seemed to think so, but was still unwilling to leave that damned couch.
Finally, after much convincing, we actually made it to the bedroom. Again, things are going well and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. All the while, she continues to give me very explicit instructions on what I should be doing and how to do it. I swear, if they ever perfect virtual sex, this girl will be quite satisfied. Out of nowhere, she asks, "so, do you want to fuck me?" No, I normally put up with this much shit just so I can sleep off a set of blue balls. I graciously accept her offer and pull out a condom. "What kind of condom is that?"
"It's a Trojan, is that going to be ok?"
"As long as it's not Lifestyles."
With the acceptable condom debate out of the way, it was time to get things started. Since this girl seemed to be totally unaware of the concept of pleasing someone else, my little buddy down south was anything but ready to go. Meanwhile, she just lay on the bed watching me. I asked her if she wouldn't mind helping a little? She took that to mean that I didn't know how to put the condom on. I assured her that I had done this before but it would be helpful if I had something that was ready to receive the condom. She got the hint.
So we're going at it, and it's only been a couple of minutes but I was really not into the whole thing and I decided that I would just get myself off and call it a night. So, I popped my cork and climbed off. I guess that left her feeling a little unfulfilled, because the next question out of her mouth was, "when can you go again." To which I answered, "as soon as you want, if you're willing to help."
I left for a minute to grab some water and go to the bathroom. When I came back, she was ready to go. I don't know if guilt reared its ugly head or what, but I started to feel like I should at least try to get her off (normally, I am all to happy to make sure everyone has a good time, but this girl was really not helping her own cause). I start warming her up again and she stops me (noticing a pattern yet?). She asks, "Do you mind if I do something totally selfish?" Having experienced all the other bullshit that she had already put me through, I could only imagine what she was going to ask next. In a way, I was curious as to what she deemed selfish, since she obviously thought nothing of any thing else that she had asked me to do that night.
"What did you have in mind?"
"Can you put more of that cologne on that you're wearing?"
Have I mentioned that this girl might be a little coo-coo for Coco Puffs? Figuring it was the easiest thing I had to do all night, I got up and sprayed myself with a bit of cologne. I came back and we started fooling around again. Sensing she was ready for round two, I pulled out another condom. Long term memory not being her thing, I had to go through the whole help me get things ready so we can have sex routine.
This time, I figured it was all about her, so I was just concentrating on getting her off. So, we're going at it and she seems to be enjoying herself and I'm moving us around, trying to find things that work well for her. Everything is going well until she blurts out, "are you going to fuck me forever?!"
"Excuse me?"
"Are you going to come soon because I can't come through regular sex?"
"Well, if there was any chance of me coming, you just killed it."
Never one to know when to quit, I went back and tried to get her off manually. I'm about 5 minutes in before she stops me for the 80th time that night and says, "are you just playing around now?"
"No, I'm just trying to help things along."
"I think you're just playing, you need to stop."
That was the last straw for me. I stopped anything and everything, got up and told her that I had to leave to get a glass of water. I tried to stay out of my room for as long as possible in the hopes that she was going to pass out while I was gone.
I returned a few minutes later to find that, unfortunately, she was still awake. As soon as I saw this, I told her that we needed to go to sleep because I had to get up early for work the next morning.
Three hours later, I was able to wake up and slip out of bed and jump in the shower without disturbing her. I came back and started to dress when she woke up. [Insert uncomfortable morning-after talk here]. She got out of bed and ready to go. I took her back to her friend's place and got the hell out there. There were definitely no numbers exchanged and I don't really plan on seeing her again. Ironically, I've since heard that she didn't understand why there was no exchange of any sort of contact information and why I didn't want to see her again. Yeah, I can't figure it out either.
The Stalker
Ah, another great weekend! Friday night, I had a few friends in town, so we all went downtown for the night. Altogether, there were seven of us, and due to the large group and people lagging, we didn't get to a bar before 11:30. Fortunately, I took it upon myself to start drinking much earlier in the evening, so I wasn't too concerned about getting drinks when we finally got to the bar. But, all the drinks in the world couldn't help the fact that I was lacking any competent wingman to accompany me when I was trying to pick up on women.
The first friend that I tried to use thought it would be a good strategy if I just went up to groups of girls on my own and then he would swoop in for an introduction after I'd laid all the groundwork. Thanks, but no thanks. The whole idea behind the wingman is to work as a team, not let me do all the work and then come in and reap the rewards. Needless to say, the first 30 minutes were pretty unproductive.
The bar we were at also had a dance floor in it, so three of us decided to head over and check it out. Luckily, the two guys that went with me had the greatest odds of being benevolent to the cause. We started dancing, but before I knew it, I was (again) left to my own devices. I kept retrieving one guy or the other to help me, but for some reason they refused to stick around.
Forget them, I was there to have a good time, and if they weren't going to be of any help then I was going to do this on my own. I found a nice group of girls to dance with and started to work my way in. Luck was on my side, and before I knew it, I was dancing with one of the girls. She was cute, but not amazing by any means. And, while not fat, she wasn't necessarily the lightest thing on the dance floor. No matter, she was throwing me good vibe and was fun to dance with. We danced (and made out) for quite a while, actually; the majority of the time, she was grinding on me, so I was forced to support her weight and my own. Well, when the night came to a close, I thanked her for the dance and left to find my friends. As I walked away, my legs started shaking and I felt as though I'd just completed 100 squats. Even today (three days later) they are still quite sore.
Exhausted, I made my way outside and found one of my friends talking to the girl I had been dancing with. I came up and joined their conversation for a little bit, and before long, she was offering me her number. I took it and then my friend and I got the hell out of there.
The next night, I thought I would stay in and give Redial a call. I went out to dinner with some friends earlier in the night and got back to my place around 8:30. I straightened things up a bit and then gave her a call. She was there by nine and I had her pick out a movie. Of all the movies to pick, she decided on Bowling for Columbine. I had a vague idea what the movie was about, but I had yet to see it, so I agreed to watch it. Before we started, I opened up a bottle of wine and poured a couple glasses. For anyone who has yet to see the movie, I highly recommend watching it when you are
not on a date.
By the middle of the movie, I had powered through a few glasses of wine while my date was still on her first glass. This pattern would hold for the rest of the movie as I proceeded to polish off the remainder of the bottle as she finished her first glass. When the movie was over, we talked for a bit and then one thing led to another and we were making out. Let me reemphasize what a lousy kisser this girl was. It was totally killing the mood for me. Never one to give up, I put up with it and tried to spend as much time away from her mouth as possible. After a while, it was obvious things were going quite well, so I suggested that we leave the couch and find a venue with a little more room. She agreed and we made our way to my bedroom, where we stayed for the remainder of the night.
The next day, I got a call from her around 2:00 in the afternoon, but I didn't take the call. Then, I received another call half an hour later, but this time she left a message saying that she was going out for a bit and that she would call me when she got back. Sure enough, around 4:00 she called again, and again, I didn't take the call.
I had to run some errands in the evening, so I called her back from my car. We only talked for a couple of minutes, but I told her that I would probably be back home around 9:00. She said that if she was around, she'd give me a call. The second the clock struck 9:00, she started calling. I swear on everything holy, she called no less than 10 times in the next 45 minutes (not leaving messages each time) alternating between my cell phone and my home phone. Thank god for caller ID. Finally, around a quarter to 10:00 she left a message asking me to call her back. Amazingly, the phone was silent from that point forward.
I don't know how soon I want to see this girl again, but I can tell you I'm not in any hurry, especially if she's going to act like she did last night.
