Dating Events: Something for the Undateables to do on a Friday Night
I awoke some time Saturday afternoon, the previous night’s insanity still a little too close to the forefront of my thoughts. One of my old college buddies had left me a voicemail detailing the latest singles event gimmick, a Lock and Key Party, that was being held that night and wanted to see if I was interested in attending. The potential for two great stories in one weekend; sure, why not?
The premise of this event is that all of the women receive padlocks and all of the men, keys. People then mingle with each other, using the “can I put my key in your lock/how about sticking your key in my lock” analogy (only this time, literally) as an icebreaker. If a guy’s key unlocks a girl’s lock, then the two of them turn in their respective hardware and receive a raffle ticket and a new lock/key in exchange. At the end, a series of prizes are raffled off.
The event was held at a ritzy martini bar in a very nice part of town. In an effort to avoid going into debt for the sake of catching a buzz, I opted to do a little pre-partying before heading out the door.
Because most people pre-registered and I had to sign up at the door, we got to the bar well in advance. I was able to claim one of the remaining spots, paid my $30 and slapped a “Hello, my name is…” tag on my chest. I’m sure I don’t even need to write that the next stop was the bar. On the way in, the hosts of the event claimed that there would be drink specials all night long, as long as the person ordering had their nametag clearly visible. When we got up to the bar, “drink specials” translated to $6 cosmos. Great, I’ll take a cosmo, oh, and one for my buddy here, and while you’re at it, perhaps a couple of to-go boxes for our testicles since we won’t be needing them for the rest of the night. Thanks. Rather than go the eunuch route, I opted to pull out my credit card and order a round of real drinks that definitely weren’t on special.
As my friend and I drank our way through a couple rounds, I took note of the people walking into the place; I also noted that it was shaping up to be a long night. By the time the place was filled up and the event began, I came to realize exactly what all these singles events are really about. They basically just collect all of the people that you normally wouldn’t be interested in meeting or talking to at a bar and combine them all in one convenient place. And, people pay money for the chance to spend the evening with them.
The night wore on and the potential locks that I wanted to stick my key in dwindled rapidly. Then I came upon Schlage and her friends. Schlage was on the shorter side, had a nice body, really cute face and short, dark, sexy hair (as opposed to short, dykey hair). While my key didn’t fit her lock, we did seem to hit it off nicely and talked for a short while. Her friends then wanted to get a round of drinks, so I took that as an opportunity to take a break and look for my buddy. I found him talking to an attractive older woman, but there didn’t seem to be too much going on between them, so I pulled him away. He was as disappointed with the "locks" as I was, but we decided to stick around in the event that we might be able to at least come away with a raffle prize.
It was then that some other girl attached herself to my side. She was blond, had a relatively cute face and the body of a softball player, complete with a set of very large breasts that spilled oover the top of her blouse. She was also 21 or 22 and very, um, peppy. I talked to her for a couple minutes as she rambled on about how she was supposed to come with someone to the event, but they bailed out on her and she decided to come anyway and now that she’d met me she was glad she had and that she didn’t come looking for a relationship but if something came out of this than she wouldn’t be opposed to it, etc, etc. When she finally stopped talking long enough to take a breath, I mumbled something about going to the bathroom and got the hell out of there.
Fate stepped in and I happened to run into my friend, and then Schlage a few steps later, amidst my hasty retreat. “This thing blows, let’s all get out of here and go hit up a real bar,” I proposed. My friend and she agreed completely and, after conferring with her friends, we were on our way. We drove a couple miles away to a much better bar with a much better crowd. Things were going really well with Schlage and I was kind of hoping that I’d get to see her again after the night. We were talking at one point in the middle of the bar and she suddenly leaned in and started kissing me. After the previous night, it was nice to get kissed by someone without psychotic motives. Schlage and I hung out for another half hour or so and then her friends decided to take off. I asked if I could see her again, but she refused to give me her number. Instead she offered to take mine. Oh well, I guess I won’t be seeing her again.
After her group left, I headed to the bathroom. On my way, I passed a small group of attractive, foreign-looking girls and said, “Excuse me,” to get by them. One of them snapped back something to the effect of “there’s no excuse for that.” I honestly didn’t really hear what she said, but when I came back out of the restroom, she was waiting for me. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that, it just kind of came out.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “By the way, my name’s [Dating Fool].”
“Hi, I’m [some Russian name that for the life of me I can’t remember now]. These are my girlfriend’s, [more Russian names].”
My new Russian harem accompanied me back to the bar where I introduced them to my friend. He seemed pretty surprised at the turn of events, but also pretty pleased. We ended up talking to them for another 20 minutes or so, but by then we were both ready to get out of there and get to bed.
I feel like I gave the whole singles event thing a fair shake, but I’m done with that circuit for a while. Tomorrow night I’m supposed to meet up with TheSister’sFriend for drinks. Thursday, I’m off to Sin City for a few days. Hopefully I will have some good tales to tell when I return.
I'm Not Your Puppet and I Won't Pull Your String
As planned, I attended TheNeighbor’s house party on Friday night. By the time the night was over, I came away with the newfound knowledge that she could very well be clinically insane.
The night started relatively normal. I walked over to her place around 11:30PM or so and there were quite a few people in attendance. As could be expected, there were more guys than girls, but it wasn’t bad enough to be declared a hardware store. I made my way through the crowd in search of TheNeighbor. I finally found her in the kitchen, talking to a couple of guys. When she saw me, a big smile shot across her face and lunged in my direction, arms spread. I caught her and gave her a big hug. I quickly realized that I was supporting a lot of her weight and remembering
the last time I was in this situation, I began to fear an onslaught of déjà vu. Fortunately, if the night did pan out like it had at my party, she would be throwing up in her place and not mine.
She seemed to regain a little composure and stood back up on her own. We began talking and it wasn’t long before she started enquiring as to why we hadn’t become involved with each other and why we weren’t dating, etc. I tried to dodge the questions as best I could, telling her that the fact that we lived about 10 feet apart could lead to some uncomfortable situations if things didn’t work out. She seemed to be ok with this and allowed me to steer the conversation in other directions.
As I mentioned previously, when I returned home from my date with LongNLean, I happened to run into TheNeighbor; I had casually mentioned that I had been on a date and mentioned LongNLean’s name, maybe, once. I guess the current situation wasn't uncomfortable enough, because TheNeighbor suddenly turned the conversation back to me and began to ask all sorts of questions about LongNLean, being sure to put an unnecessary amount of emphasis on her name and superficial characteristics, even though I’d failed to mention any of them during our previous conversation. She was asking things like, “[LongNLean] is blond, tall and hot, huh? What’s she got that I don’t? Why do you like [LongNLean] so much more than me? Why do you want to date her and not me?”
It was certainly reassuring to know that she’s not the jealous type. Having had enough of her thorough inquisition for the night, I suggested that maybe she should go talk to some of the other people at her party. Fortunately, she seemed to think this was a good idea as well and let me be for a bit. While she was preoccupied, I made the rounds and tried to talk to a few of the other girls there. There were a good number of attractive girls, but I knew that if I tried anything I was going to be immediately cock-blocked.
Another interesting twist that added to the night was that TheNeighbor's brother was also at the party. He was upstairs in her room for the first half of the night but came down soon after. When he did finally make an appearance, he was quite noticeable, since he was at least 6'8". I ended up talking to him for a substantial amount of time and he was a really nice guy. I actually saw a lot of parallels between his relationship with his sister and mine. I also felt like I really needed to behave myself while he was around out of respect and courtesy (I would want people to do the same for me if my sister were involved).
TheNeighbor's downfall has always been that she tries way too hard; that night would be no exception. Around 1:00AM, the keg had run dry and the party was starting to thin out. I was talking to a couple of girls when TheNeighbor made her way up to our group and, like a herd of elk facing an approaching lion, the girls scattered immediately. She started coming onto me quite strongly; she began by putting her hands all over me and getting extremely close to my face, then she would back away for a second and put her tongue to her upper lip and try to give me a sultry, teasing look. Then, it was back to rubbing up against me, trying to get me to kiss her. When I avoided her advances, she only tried harder and when I wouldn't kiss her back, she began to lick my face. I'm sure that if anyone was watching, they were being provided with some of the best, free entertainment of the night. I should also mention that while all this is going on, her brother is standing on the opposite side of the wall that TheNeighbor now has me pinned up against. Yeah, you could say the situation was a little on the tense side.
More and more people continued to leave the party and eventually the only people left were TheNeighbor, her brother, her roommates, one or two stranglers and me. Eventually, the brother decided to take off and everyone else either went home or went to bed.
Now, TheNeighbor and I are all alone in her living room and she decides to really turn it up a notch. She sauntered up to me with her tongue poised on her upper lip and a gleam of determination in her eye. Again, she put her face up against mine and started to try to kiss me. Since we were alone now, allowed myself to kiss her back. Her mouth was moist and sticky and her breath was still heavily tainted with the smell of alcohol. She stopped mid-kiss and pulled back. "You're easy," she teased.
"I don't have to be," I replied, feeling a little put off having just been called black by the kettle.
"Yes you do; I can make you do whatever I want. And right now, I want you to fuck me."
And with that, I was left truly speechless. I was pretty sure I knew where the night was heading after she'd voiced her intentions, but just in case there was some doubt in my mind, she repeated herself, this time with more explicit instructions. "I want you to fuck me; I want your cock inside me." She followed this up with another round of lip licking. Looks like someone's been watching a lot of late-night Cinemax.
I always like to make sure everyone has a good time, so I mentally agreed to her request. "Why don't we go back to my place?" I proposed.
"No, I want you to fuck me here!"
"I think we'd be better off back at my place since there isn't any body else there. There are too many people here," I tried to reason with her.
"No, you're going to fuck me and you're going to fuck me right here!" To further drive home the point, she took a step back and proceeded to remove her shirt.
"Really, now. Why don't we just walk next door, it will be a lot more comfortable?" I really wasn't interested in having things play out at her place and I certainly wasn't prepared for the situation.
She threw herself at me again and kissed me hard against the wall. "I want you to fuck me, [Dating Fool]. I want you to fuck me hard!" She pulled away and this time removed her bra.
So, now it's 2:30 in the morning, the lights are still on, all of the shades are wide open, and I'm staring at this half-naked girl trying to make sense of the situation and her interesting negotiation tactics. I started to plead with her again to get her to leave the house and come back to my place with me. She stalled repeatedly, but eventually I was able to convince her to leave her place and we started out the door. Only, she still wasn't wearing anything above the waist and refused to put her shirt back on. Whatever; have to lose some battles to win the war, after all.
We entered my place and she immediately made her way over to the couch. She lay down and beckoned me over to her. I obliged and we started to make out again. A couple minutes in, she stopped kissing me and started to laugh in a manner that would probably best be described as sinister. "See, I am in total control, I can make you do whatever I want."
"Uh, if you're so in control, then why are we back at my place?" I posed.
She didn't like that answer and got visibly annoyed. "Kiss me, now."
"And if I don't?"
"Oh, you will."
Rather than turning the situation into even more of a mess than it already was, I simply dropped the whole subject and just went back to trying to make out with her. Not ten seconds later, she stopped again and started laughing, "see, you're easy." This repeated itself another two or three times.
Now, I was starting to get really annoyed and the whole experience was really losing its value for me. "Fine," I said, "if you're going to make this difficult, then we don't have to do it." And with that, I got up to get a glass of water. That really pissed her off.
"That’s not funny! Come back here and fuck me, now!"
"I'm not going to play power games with you. We can either have fun or not, at this point, I don't really care." And I really didn't.
She seemed taken aback by my indifference and decided to ease off a bit. Instead of merely working the manipulation through kissing angle, she went back to telling me to fuck her. I never thought the phrase, "fuck me" could be overused in a sexual context, but I guess I was wrong. Very wrong. I don't know if the needle slipped off the record in her head, but she must have used that phrase at least a hundred times in the course of the night. Honestly, I was so sick of hearing it that I wanted to follow her wishes just to shut her up.
Other notable things that were said in the course of the night: "I'm a virgin."
"Excuse me?"
"Oops, I didn't mean to say that out loud." Now, truth be told, the idea of her being a virgin had actually crossed my mind. Before that night, I thought that she may have been all talk, no action.
"I'm not very experienced at this." Which I found particularly ironic, considering all she talks about is how she brings all the boys to the yard.
It continued to get later and not a lot of progress was being made. I asked her to come up stairs with me at least six or seven times, but every time she refused and stated that she wanted to be fucked on the couch. I kept insisting that it was far more comfortable up in my bed, but she would have no part of it. Finally she said, "If you're not going to fuck me on the couch then you can fuck me on the floor," and proceeded to unbutton her jeans, roll off the couch, and made herself available to me on the floor.
I tried to appease her, I really did. However, the only time I'm going to have sex on my living room floor is if there is a lot of passion involved and if it would totally kill the mood to move to a comfortable surface. I tried in vain a few more times to get her to leave the floor and accompany me to my room, but she just wouldn't hear of it. It was approaching four in the morning, and I needed to go to bed. I decided to give it one last shot and started to remove her jeans. I looked down at her underwear and hanging out of one side was a tampon string!
The only thought that raced through my mind was, "what a fucking cocktease!" I could not believe that she put me through all that turmoil only to present me with a blockade at the gates of pleasure. Obviously annoyed, I told her that we were done here and to put her clothes back on so that I could walk her home.
"Even though it didn't happen tonight, I still want you to do me." Those were the last words she spoke to me as I bid her goodnight.
The first thing I did when I got back to my place was take a shower, putting extra effort into cleansing my face. I fell asleep that night knowing the correct answer to the question of whether or not I would ever sleep with my neighbor. A resilient "fuck, no."
